Wanky Plates #5

The lady that drives this car owns a fish & chip shop in Townsville. Her husband's licence plate is "FISHN". Ah, complementary wanky plates!

Funnies in the News #2

Following on from the blog entry where I listed 43 reasons why I am not a bogan, how funny/ironic/appropriate is it that my initials are the acronym for anti-bogan?!


What's the opposite of a bogan?
In case it weren’t obvious enough, last week a book was released teaching people How To Spot a Bogan.

But what about the bogan’s arch-nemesis? The anti-bogan, if you will. You know the type. You quite possibly are one. (I suspect I might be.) Either way, despite the fact bogans procreate at faster rates, it's the anti-bogans who seem to be multiplying fastest in cities all around Australia.

Here’s how to spot an anti-bogan:

1. Their infatuation with bogans. They might protest to hate the bogan, but anti-bogans love nothing more than talking about bogans. It gives them something to feel superior about.

2. Their habitat: ABs can be found almost exclusively in cities. More specifically, within five kilometres of a city centre. To the AB, suburbs = wasteland.

3. Their choice of coffee. Not so much that they drink espresso coffee (that cultural battle is long dead, even a bogan enjoys a good cup of joe). No, the fact they can talk about it - analysing beans, blends and roasting times - for HOURS.

4. Their number one goal in life is to get a tweet shown on Q&A.

5. They assuage their middle-class guilt by buying free-range eggs, recycled toilet paper and offsetting the carbon on their next budget airline flight.

6. They love nothing more than reminiscing wistfully about their time spent living in Europe.

7. ABs would rather starve than eat a thick-crust pizza. Or white sandwich bread.

8. They never have children before the age of 30. May, however, dote obsessively on a cat or dog.

9. They feel uncomfortable in the presence of anyone, other than an RSL employee, wielding an Australian flag.

10. The anti-bogan will blanch at the mere mention of XXXX or VB. Drink exclusively boutique beers and only ever in bars, never pubs.

11. They profess to love multiculturalism but live in an almost exclusively white neighbourhood.

12. ABs buy all their fruit and veg from farmers markets because they “know where it comes from”.

13. They become apoplectic when discussing news in the “Murdoch press”. Secretly, though, love the fact this provides more opportunities to feel superior.

Not. A. Bogan.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the blog...

News media is providing me with so many laughs lately that I think it could be a new series of blog entries.

Following previous (not so very) popular series such as Song of the Day and Wanky Plates, I would like to introduce to you...

Funnies in the News!

The following excerpt is from the online article "Yacht siege emergency shuts down Eagle Street ferry terminal", from the brilliant journalists and sub-editors *waves at Mike* at the Courier-Mail. Some cranky old crack pot armed with petrol and a bayonet has moored his boat at a very central and very busy inner-city wharf and has allegedly made threats.

A police officer said at the scene the man had requested a bacon and egg McMuffin.

However, the request has been made after McDonald's 10.30am breakfast cut off time.

Police say they are trying to fulfill the request.

Bahahahahaha!

Wanky Plates #4

Oh, is that a Peugot? I couldn't tell from the car's badging, so thank you for clearing that up!

Ha ha ha @ hipsters

Yet again, news.com.au serves up the laughs!


The hipster has no clothes

Just when you think mainstream culture couldn’t get any shallower along comes the hipster.

No, I don’t mean the hipster sub-culture that beat writers like Jack Kerouac identified with in the 50s or low riding jeans most of us shouldn’t wear, I’m talking about the new breed of inner city trendy taking over small bars, laneways and cafe\bookstores everywhere.

Somehow draping yourself in ridiculous clothes and capering around while being deliberately ironic has become highly desirable for thousands of twenty and thirty somethings.

For those of you who are asking, ‘just what is a hipster?’ think fashionista culture meets indie street sensibilities, add a dash of metro-sexual leftovers then a sprinkling of first year arts degree intellectualism and you have the hipster.

Imagine you walk into an inner city café, there’s a tattered ottoman and some milk crates scattered loosely around a few rickety tables, a plastic palm tree glued upside down to the roof in one corner and indie music even triple J rejected bleating facetiously in the background.

The female barista is wearing sleeveless mechanic’s overalls with the name “Jerry” stitched on, and the several waiters with asymmetrical bangs down one side of their otherwise shaved heads cast derisive glances at you through thick rimmed glasses. Welcome to Hipsterville.

Credit where credit is due

I would like to interrupt the hilarious Wanky Plates series to let you know that these are not all my doing. A lot of these photos were taken by my friend Bongos.

When he found out about my interest in Wanky Plates he started taking photos of any that he came across and texting them through to me.

With his non-office-based job, dedication to the cause, and steady hand, a lot of the photos that I post are from Bongos. So snaps for him!

Wanky Plates #3

Honestly, if your name was "Virgil" would you publically advertise it on your car? Isn't that just asking to be side swiped?

Wanky Plates #2

Before I even saw the wanky plate I knew that the owner of this ute was called Bruce...

Wanky Plates

So, this is the start of a series of blog entries called "Wanky Plates". I think it's pretty self explanatory...



Wizza, you are a wanker.

I may have spoken too soon

Dirty Delhi, you make me laugh!

THOUSANDS of used condoms blocked the drains at the Delhi Commonwealth Games village after they were flushed down toilets by amorous athletes, local media reported today.

A report in the Indian newspaper Mail Today claimed a condom vending machine containing around 4000 contraceptive packs had been installed at the village, but the precautionary measure was now causing problems with the plumbing.

Games chief Mike Fennell said yesterday he was just happy to see that so many of the 7000 competitors at the athletes’ village were being careful.

"This shows that athletes are being responsible and are promoting safe sex," he said.

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/used-condoms-block-drains-at-delhi-commonwealth-games-report/story-e6frfku0-1225935830563#ixzz11jdTTVRc

Oh how I laughed

This is seriously one of the funniest news stories I have read about the Commonwealth Games!

Funnier than large monkeys being brought in to chase away smaller monkeys, funnier than the Brits getting the sh!ts in the pool, funnier than Channel 10 deciding to send their television commentators to the 39 degrees celsius temperatures of Delhi in pale blue shirts that show even the slightest hint of perspiration.


It’s not a V for victory

WE CAME, we saw, and when we didn't conquer we flipped them the bird.

The Ugly Australian loser has descended on Delhi and for once they were not wearing cricket whites.

Indians have come to expect rudeness from our cricketers. What wasn't expected was a display of petulance from our Commonwealth Games athletes as they embark on what many believe is little more than a public relations exercise.

As the relevance of the Commonwealth Games was being questioned in past weeks, Australia's Games honcho Perry Crosswhite went so far as to call them Australia's gift to the weaker nations of the region.

A chance for us to not so much flex our ample sporting muscles as to give others less fortunate the chance to play alongside us and learn.

One thing they have learned in recent days is how to raise two fingers of the hand and wave it in the general vicinity of the judging panel. Refusing to shake hands with the victorious opponent is an optional extra.

When wrestler Hassene Fkiri went for the daily double after losing his gold medal bout on Tuesday, Australian officials acted quickly and decisively.

After debating long into the night, Crosswhite and chef de mission Steve Moneghetti chose not to send him home on the first available flying kangaroo, but to lumber him with a raft of punishments including personal apologies all round.

His actions, said Moneghetti, had been an embarrassment to himself, his family, his country and the Australian team.

We are a country that plays hard and fair, said Moneghetti, but we always accept the judge's decision. Fkiri would be made an example of.

Obviously cyclist Shane Perkins didn't get the memo.

When the judges sent him back to the end of the queue after ruling he had caused an accident in the keirin, he raised two fingers and said "Fkiri you" not once, but twice.

As Moneghetti said, hard, fair and cop it sweet.

Correction

For years I have subscribed to www.dictionary.com's Word of the Day email *cough* nerd *cough*


I would just like to point out that they made a mistake the other day...

Word of the Day for Friday, September 24, 2010
frabjous \FRAB-juhs\, adjective:
Wonderful, elegant, superb, or delicious.


Uhm, I think you will find that the correct spelling is faboosh, and the correct pronunciation \fah-boo-sh\


Just sayin...